The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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