This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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