My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize