i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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