The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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