Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
