At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
