my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize