The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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