why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
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