nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
