I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
