the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
