Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
