Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Randomize
