My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
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