you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
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