Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Dick very happy bro
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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