oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
