I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
