Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
