You really coming over, don't trick.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
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