Where are you?
In a non slutty way
What did we do last night that was yellow?
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize