i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
