Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
