I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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