Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
