and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Randomize