so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
that is very illegal...i love you.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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