I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize