Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
