sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize