you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
