ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
