Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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