i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
