Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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