I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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