Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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