call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ā¤ļø
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
