the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
