I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
bring money and cleavage
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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