I only kidnapped one of them. chill
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
