i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
