OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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