U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
