I think my fart just growled at me.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Randomize
