You were right. It hurts to walk today.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
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