who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
