i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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