it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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