just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
