At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
