im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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