i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Randomize
