so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
