I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
