my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
