I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
