I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
